DIVORCE – LESSONS LEARNED FROM A FAILED MARRIAGE

Lessons learned from a failed marriage – sounds pretty heavy, right?

Alycia, here!

We usually like to keep things happy and fun and always on the sunnyside. However, that’s not real life. Life is messy, life has lots of lows and highs, and we need to talk about the lows just as much as the highs.

How else do we know we’re not alone?!?

So, if you don’t already know – Zeshan is my second husband.  

Truthly, I used to hate saying that. It made me feel embarrassed and a huge failure. This is coming from someone who always had good grades, tried my hardest at everything I did and never settled for anything less than what I felt I was capable of.

When I got married the first time, I was young, stubborn and didn’t want to listen to anyone. I thought I knew what was best for me and no one was going to tell me otherwise. 

So, after a failed marriage and a VERY successful second marriage, I can confidently share with you the lessons I have learned through this whole process.

Here we go!

1. DON’T FORCE IT

This might sound obvious, but when you’re young and stupid (yes, I totally was) it’s not so clear. 

You start a relationship. You have new warm fuzzy feelings, you’re getting to know each other, it’s exciting. But eventually, your relationship isn’t so new anymore, you settle into a routine and then it happens.

You become very comfortable with this person. So comfortable, you’re okay with pointing out things you don’t like, maybe one of you picks fights about silly little things. The sweetness wore off. 

For me, the nit picking and quarrels eventually went from a little bit here and there, to more and more and more. There would be no more than a couple weeks of normalcy and then bam! Some fight would break out. 

What do I mean by don’t force it? Well, we had been together so long that I would always say to myself “I do love him, and if we have that we can make it work. I don’t want to throw everything away.”

I’m here to say, that’s not always the case. 

We were totally forcing it. We wanted it to work, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to OR it’s meant to.

2.  PAY ATTENTION TO WARNING SIGNS

You ever hear “turn a blind eye” or “ignorance is bliss”? These two statements couldn’t be more true when it comes to warning signs in a relationship.

When you want something to work, and you’re forcing it, it’s very easy to turn a blind eye. You don’t want to pay attention to it, you pretend not to notice…I’m not saying for all, but for many people, the idea of “but I love them” carries a lot of weight – maybe too much.

Before I got married the first time, there were lots of warning signs. There was even a HUGE waving red FLAG the first time I brought him home to my parents. My oldest sibling, who doesn’t speak out, felt the need to say something. 

Did I pay attention? Absolutely not. There were even warning signs the day we got married…which brings me to my next lesson.

3. LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE, NO ONE ELSE’S

On my wedding day, I walked away. My hair was half done, everyone was getting ready, I had a bathrobe and a pair of jeans on and I walked out of the hotel and got into my car. I started to drive away and was chased down.

I truly believe I would not be where I am today, and be who I am today, without all of the events that have occurred in my life. BUT I can say with certainty, that had I listened to my inner voice that day, I could have saved us all a lot of time. 

Instead, I was talked into staying, chalking it up to being a nervous bride who was just stressed about the biggest day of her life. (This wasn’t the case – I was screaming for help.)

So, do yourself a huge favor and listen to you, to your voice and your heart. It won’t steer you wrong.

4. DON’T STAY FOR GUILT OR EMBARRASSMENT

This was the biggest issue for me. I did feel guilty and I was embarrassed to ADMIT that I made a mistake, or that I had failed. 

My guilt, as was the case with many others I spoke to, was a big reason I stayed for so long. I felt guilty for not speaking up sooner, I felt guilty that I would be hurting someone who I really cared about (we did get married after all) and I even felt guilty about leaving his family. 

And what went hand in hand with the guilt was the embarrassment. My parents are still together, going strong for 45 years! I was not from a divorced home, although I did have plenty of relatives who were divorced, but this was not something I wanted to have happen to me.

My embarrassment came from feeling like if I did call it quits I was a failure. Why couldn’t I get it to work? Maybe I was expecting too much, maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Let me just try a little harder.

5. THERE’S ALWAYS TWO SIDES

No one likes to be wrong. But it’s important to remember that in any relationship there is always two sides to the story. My ex husband didn’t fight with himself, he fought with me. I played a part in that. And that’s not to be forgotten.

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

George Santayana,1905.

What does that even mean?? Well, if you don’t pay attention to history, it will repeat itself. And the quickest way to become a divorcee for the second time is to ignore the past. Don’t think your spouse acted alone, there were two people in that relationship.

I remind myself that often. And when I remarried, you better believe I didn’t make the same mistakes. Because who wants to repeat history, especially when it wasn’t for the good.

So there you have it, a very personal glimpse into my past and the lessons I learned from my failed marriage. Divorce is not fun – break ups are not fun. But there’s always something to be learned and something to grow from.

And if you want to share any insights with me, or your stories, or ask questions, PLEASE shoot me an email at alycia@coffeecupcakesandkids.com. I would love to hear from you!